I ask about the first time because I know there have been many times. I know you’ve grappled with accepting your body and your appearance—simply because you are a woman.
I’ll tell you about the first time I felt bad about my body:
I was maybe seven, playing with Barbies at my friend Stevie’s house. Stevie was tall and lanky and had this long, flowing, gorgeous brown hair. My hair was short and so was I and my belly was round and my legs were stubby; but I’d never noticed until this moment. I looked at the Barbies, then at Stevie, then back to me. I didn’t fit in. And thus began the avalanche of trying to make myself stop sneaking spoonfuls of peanut butter, creating exercise programs for myself, comparing myself to other girls and just knowing that it was because I was rounder that boys didn’t like me. It was because I was fat that I had less friends that somebody else. And in the avalanche, I just got buried, you know?
That was the first time. Sometimes I still feel bad—when I allow myself to compare. Especially when I let myself be compared to airbrushed fakery that is so hilariously unreal it’s sickening. But that’s another discussion.
When I catch myself starting to feel bad now, you know what I do? I think of all the women in my life who I love and who love me right back. We’re all in this ridiculous battle together, fighting on the same side.
I have never met a female who hasn’t wished she looked different at some point in her life. Most of us try to “do something about it”—exercise for hours on end; refuse certain foods or meals; try to make ourselves throw up; and at the very least, we complain about it with our girlfriends.
![IMG_2689_2019[1]b](http://lh3.ggpht.com/_2OujirPYIkI/TYETuOOV1CI/AAAAAAAACEo/s4HjGQHU6F8/s1600-h/IMG_2689_2019%5B1%5Db%5B5%5D.jpg "IMG_2689_2019[1]b")
So why do we feel so alone when we’re going through it? Why do we assume that everyone else feels comfortable and peaches and cream and we silently squirm through the awfulness of it? Even at those sleepovers where you picked yourselves apart in front of the mirror, did you feel like I did—that your friends couldn’t possibly feel that way about themselves because they were more beautiful and skinnier than you were?But what if we could talk about it—I mean really talk about it? What if we could just say out loud: “I believe that if I’m skinnier all my problems will be solved.” What if we could admit that we crave control in our life, and if we can make ourselves look right people like us more? What if we could just let it be known that we have vowed eleventeen hundred times to never eat another brownie, only to fail eleventeen hundred times over? What if you could just put it out there that you made yourself throw up after overeating in middle school? What if you knew that these disclosures would be met with nothing but love and support?
For those times when you’ve felt alone in this struggle: Lauren, who used to work here at WSR, shared some thoughts. She discusses how, for her, disordered eating wasn’t about the food. She wanted to fit in and have friends. Do you see the comments? Do you see that you are not alone?
Please comment here as well about your experiences with food issues and body acceptance. Have you ever struggled with an eating disorder? What about disordered eating? Or, if you like, respond to the first question: When was the first time you felt bad about your body? Feel free to comment anonymously.
Take a moment to let your sisters who are struggling know that they, too, are not alone.
13 comments:
When I was 9 I started growing out, and it was a few years before I started growing up. That was when I got it firmly trenched in my mind that I am fat and that's why people don't like me.
I think even more than body image I struggle with social image. I always assume that people dislike me and I haven't been able to get over that. It causes a lot of problems.
But yes, I have definitely overeaten and I have definitely had times when I made myself throw it up in a desperate attempt to be "less fat". And I have had times when I yelled at myself to quit thinking about my weaknesses, when all I really wanted was to feel in control of my own body. Unfortunately, I found other ways to feel in control.
I like to think that my self-image issues are a memory of my teens, but something about living in Provo makes it difficult to shed those issues completely. Something about Provo makes me feel constantly insufficient. I gained two pounds during midterms and I feel AWFUL about myself for it.
What is it about women that makes us so insecure? Will I ever be able to look in the mirror and like who I am without any reservations?
what exactly is the difference between an eating disorder and disordered eating?
Beka, great question! Disordered eating is present when someone shows some symptoms for an eating disorder but not all, or has an eating disorder not otherwise classified (basically eating issues that don't fit cleanly into the bulimic, anorexic, or binge eating categories).
Most of the time disordered eating is mentioned in reference to eating issues like obsessing about food, restricting food intake/certain food groups, eating affected by stress, and emotional eating.
In our culture, disordered eating is pretty much the norm.
Hope that answers your question!
It's funny that you say that disordered eating is a norm in this society. I didn't realize this till just recently. And I never would have put myself in that category. As a disordered eater. I constantly try to convince myself that I'm simply a healthy eater. I would lie to myself that restricting calories and excessive exercising was "healthy". I knew better. There was a small part of me that knew better than believe the lies I told myself.
I first started dieting in middle school. I have NEVER been happy with my body. Never. Always claimed that I should be doing better. That I should be skinnier. That I lacked self-discipline. I hated that part of me. The part that believed that life would be so much better if I just reached a certain weight. Or that people would like me better if I were skinnier. If things weren't going well in my life (with school or boys or church) I'd always blame it on not being skinny. But I consider myself fairly smart. I know better than to give in to societies definition of beautiful. And yet, I couldn't help it. I can't help it. It's thrown at us from every side.
I've started to get better though. I started reading a book about Intuitive Eating. I STRONGLY recommend this book to anyone that's struggled with dieting, fluctuating weight, or disordered eating. It talks about accepting your body and learning to trust food again. As my perspective has changed, I have felt so liberated. Who says we have to be tied down by the standards of society? There's no part of the gospel that parallels what society believes is normal. So why should this aspect be any different? Heavenly Father NEVER looks at us thinking, "You really need to lose a pound or two." I know my body is a gift. And I'm striving as hard as I can to treat and view it as such.
For me it started when i was about 12, and puberty hit quicker and harder than on my friends in beehives in my non-utah ward. they were all little petite things, with small chests. And i was well endowed and curvy. i always felt awkward and "Big" around my friends. One day i told them how i felt, and they were shocked. They said they felt similarly, and i couldn't believe it!
It was awake up call for me. My mom struggled with the same feelings growing up, and i vowed i would never worry about dieting and weight like she does. my little sister went on to develop several eating disorders for several years. And that WASN'T going to be me. i was determined. but i sometimes put myself below others for the same thing i did back when i was 12. Especially when it comes to failed dating relationships or reasons guys might not be interested in me. "It must be that i'm not skinny." But, i've dated a lot. This last time, i almost got married. And yet at the end of it all, what did i think? "Maybe he's just not attracted to me because i'm not skinny." it's ridiculous! i wish i could just get rid of that thought!
But, i think we focus on the glass half empty when it comes to self worth at times. Because everything else tells me that i AM beautiful. i'm a school teacher. i serve in my callings faithfully. i share my talents and serve in my free time. i work in the temple. i know i could write many more good things about myself.
But, being an older young single adult, i continue to question myself. i think i need to remember to ask for Heavenly Father's help on this one.
I'm spending time with a boy this weekend that i've been looking forward to for a long time. i pray that i can push these thoughts away, even if things don't turn out the way i hope.
I am, we are ALL, Daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us!
My disordered eating is a result of childhood sexual abuse, and a need to control a portion of my life. Therapy and a supportive husband have helped me overcome some of the issues, but I feel that disordered eating will always be with me, no matter how I choose to deal with the root cause. I am 42 years old, and I have had to learn to look at myself in the mirror and be pleased with what I see. I have had to learn to buy clothes that actually fit rather than clothes that hang on my body.
Well-intentioned individuals say things to me like, "you're so thin--I wish I was like that." Well, no you don't, because then you would have suffered the emotional toll associated with it, and I would not wish that on anyone.
It is honestly through serving others and focusing on others that I am able to find some solace and peace about who I am. Sitting at home alone simply fuels the "voices" that trigger my issues about my body. Working and serving, either physically or emotionally, have helped me overcome much of my sorrow. If you struggle with disordered eating and poor body image, I hope you can find that same peace as well.
i started excerising for excessive ammounts when i was 12 years old; i remember my sisters commenting about how i was "so" muscular! to me, this was a bad thing. all through middle school and high school, i was in constant battle with my weight. when i got to college, i did better at accepting my body, but, it became harder and harder as i began seriously considering marriage. i am not married, but i have had a few boyfriends and each time relationships end, it takes a few months to get back on my feet to accept myself again. slowly but surely, the "reason" my relationship did not work out begins to be blamed on the way i look. i KNOW this is not true, but the thoughts just keep on coming. i so often think, "if i was just 10 pounds less, my life would be SO much better." it's a cycle and one that i am so glad we are all sharing our experiences from.
I started ballet as a young kid about age 5 but I was never the skinny kid. I had curves and I always felt awkward in the leotard and tights. I would compare myself to all the other girls and I just didn't look like them. I was as good as them, and better than most but I didn't fit the type so when my family moved I decided to give up what I loved because I was too embarrassed about how I looked. I didn't develop an eating disorder or disordered eating, I just kept living my life the way I always had without dance. I still regret stopping it was something I loved and still love today.
My disordered eating began when I was a freshman at BYU. I began having anxiety and panic attacks and it completely affected my eating and relationship with food. I would starve myself because I felt antsy and nervous and never had an appetite. When I did eat, I would usually eat too much and throw up. Most times I had a panic attack, I would end up throwing up to feel better. My roommates should have figured it out, but if they did, they didn't help me. I was so ashamed, and I thought no one could know because they would judge me. It took a lot out of me to pretend I was fine. I would lie to people about having eaten, when I really didn't. It went on for a long time until I saw a counselor in the Wilk and I have been a healthy eater ever since then. Looking back, I don't even think I realized what a mess I was and how much damage I was doing to my body. I felt weak all the time and it wasn't right. THere is help! DOn't wait an entire year to seek help, because getting better is so worth it.
the first time i felt fat was when my grandma told me i wasn't allowed to eat a snack after school anymore because i was gaining weight. it freaked my mom out, so my grandma and mom decided to do the adkin's diet and make me do it with them when i was, gasp, 8 years old! oddly enough, that was the same year i needed to start wearing a bra...
comments continued that same summer like my grandma telling me i couldn't wear a two-piece swimsuit because i was too big to look good in one (don't judge, i wasn't mormon yet, and neither were they). on the adkins diet (at 8 years old!), i only gained weight and felt miserable. going into high school i felt like the only "good thing" to eat was lettuce and carrot sticks. what did i do to myself?!
My mom has always been a little overweight for as long as I can remember. And for as long as I can remember she's been starting and quitting new healthy eating/excercising routines that never quite work out. She's lost a lot of weight especially recently. So as a kid, I was always interested in that stuff, and kind of proud of how thin I was as compared to her and other kids my age. We moved to Utah when I was in the ninth grade, and I had to leave my whole life behind, and never see my friends again. I didn't want to move, and I was VERY upset with my parents for making me.
I've also always been into theatre. We were doing the play "Grease!" at my new school, and the last night we took a cast picture. One of our set peices, the "bar" was particularly unstable, but my director told me to sit on it for the photo. I followed her instructions, balancing carefully so it didn't tip. And older student told me I needed to get off. I repeated the directors instructions, and she shruged, and harmlessly said "It's going to break". At a time when I was aching for some small measure of control in my life, that was all it took to push me over the edge. From that comment, I assumed she meant "This girl is so fat she's going to break the set" when really she meant "this set is unstable, I don't want you to get hurt"
I started obsessively couting calories and controlling and recording my food intake and excercise output, to the point where I was upset if I "slipped up" and ate a whole package of fruit snacks in a day. It was so bad that I couldn't get through a whole dance rehearsal, something that used to be easy for me, without almost passing out. I refused to let myself sit down or take a break, because that would be telling everyone else that I was weak. My mom put me into counseling, which did pretty much nothing for me at all. I pretended to the couselor that I was getting better, though nothing had changed.
I think that's when my ED started to really scare me, because I realized that I was no longer in control of it. The situation had flipped, and it was controlling me. My sister's best friend was over one day (a girl we consider part of the family) and she looked at me and said "You're sick. and if you don't realize it, you're crazy." She went on to tell me about her own struggle with an ED. I was terrified by her story. She'd ended up in the hospital more than once. I knew that if I went to the hospital, that wasn't being in control. With help and time, I'm much better now, and eating healthily, and excercising in moderation. I'm at an average weight for my height and age, and I feel healthy. I feel strong, and grateful that my eating habits no longer control me. I can have a bowl of ice cream if I want to. I can skip the morning run if I feel like sleeping longer, and it's no longer a scary thing.
I don't remember when I first felt critical of my body, except that it was a long time ago. what I do remember - almost to the day - is when I realized I had hit an all-time low in my self esteem. I hated my body, I hated my emotional eating, I hated my lack of discipline, and I struggled with binging/purging on a daily basis. I remember asking one of my male friends what they thought of my appearance and he told me that I was "too skinny." I wouldn't believe it. I took it as yet another criticism of my body and hated myself even more.
Then, thank goodness, I realized how far into this mindtrap I had fallen, and I turned it over to the Lord. I remembered that I am a BELOVED daughter of a LOVING Heavenly Father who wants me to be HAPPY, not miserable. Things got better. Don't get me wrong - these thoughts are still quite a struggle, but I know now that none of these self-hating thoughts come from God. I know now where to turn for true support and love, and I know where to avoid when I'm feeling down on myself. That's what has made all the difference for me.
I don't remember exactly how old I was, late elementary school probably, but I was looking in the mirror and wondering if I would grow up to be beautiful. I knew I wasn't at the time. Everything about me looked huge. It was a feeling of longing, realizing my only hope was time, that maybe I would outgrow the ugly duckling phase at some point.
Unfortunately, things got worse before they got better. In middle and high school I learned to loath my body, at times wanting to take a knife and cut off "extra flab" on my thighs and stomach. I tried making myself throw up sometimes, but it never worked, so I became obsessed with exercise to counter "binge eating." It wasn't until I served a mission and was in such a tightly controlled environment that I overcame my exercise addiction. When I first entered the mission field, I had dreams of running at night and panic attacks during the day when my companion wouldn't run with me for more than 20 minutes a day. I learned that eating was the only thing I could control so I finally learned to control portion sizes and stop eating when I was full.
I have been back three years now, and I have never had a problem with feeling out of control since. Today I am happy with my appearance and accepting of my body, although looking back at pictures of me in high school, I look the same now as I did then. Talk about a paradigm shift. Sometimes I wonder if that's one of the reasons I needed to serve a mission. It was definitely one of the blessings that came from it.
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